Newsletters ~ Contact Us ~ Aims and Goals ~ White Wreath Day Past Services ~  Volunteers ~ Statistics ~ Members ~ Personal Stories ~ Donate/Shop ~ Guestbook ~ Thankyou ~ Directors Report ~ Press Releases ~ Correspondence ~ Advocacy ~ Coming Events ~ Sock-It-To-Suicide~ Safehaven/s Newsletter on Nov 2007 Directors Report Thank You GuestBook Belinda's Journal Sister's Story Wish List Help us to Help you Fundraising Peter Neame Research Officer Cameron's Diary My story, My life . . . . . . SDSDSDSDSDIRECTORS REPORT We wish to inform our members that on Saturday 8 September 2007 our storage unit that had been kindly donated to us for the past few years by Index Self Storage had burnt. We lost every that was stored and were not insured. Over the past few years we tried to be self supportive and bought equipment, merchandise etc along the way which was paid for by our organisation through Auction Nights, Trivia Nights, Car Rallies, Barbecues, Car Washes, Displays at Shopping Centres, Thousands of emails emailed to businesses, and all tiers of Government Depts etc that the Head Office organised and raised the funds except for the sound equipment and lecturn that was purchased via a grant. We lost Thousands of our White Wreaths, Hundreds and hundreds of Artificial Flowers, Sound Equipment, Microphones, Lecturn, Banners, Signs, Trestle Tables, Chairs, Card Tables, Electrical Equipment, All our merchandise, Office desk, Office supplies and so much more. Your support, membership and belief in us to bring to the attention of all Action Against Suicide is of the utmost importance to us and valued. Material things can be replaced and we will not let this deter us. We will forge on and re-build again. Yes, it will be a lot more hard work but our focus for the moment is to be ready by the 29 May 2008 National White Wreath Day-In Remembrance of All Victims of Suicide. We did not lose our photos and memorabilia that family, carers, friends etc have laid at past services on White Wreath Day. These are kept very close to us and we protect them as much as possible. Fanita Clark CEO ADDITIONAL DIRECTORS REPORT Federal/State Politicians Australia/wide, as part of today’s government, regardless of their political party are to blame for the current Mental Health System we have in place today and that collectively they can change the present system if they wish. I’m sure if a natural disaster occurred where 1000’s of people died, Government with the help of mainstream media would act and implement immediate action. The White Wreath Association is dedicated in having mental illness/suicide recognised as a very serious and life threatening condition. We will continue to fight for “Action Against Suicide.” and raise the much needed funds to build our centres. Our research from the people who have contacted us, families and carers directly affected by mental illness/suicide clearly indicates that the first point of contact with the mental health system and health system generally, highlights the fact that accurate and effective assessment of patients is falling down. We continually write to Health Minister across Australia and in most cases receive a reply that in their state they have allocated spending of many millions of dollars towards Mental Health. I’m sure we are all well aware that most of this money goes back into administrative costs and very little is directed to where it should really be spent. Another waste of money is the millions allocated to the anti-smacking, anti-parent campaigns which all they do is cover up the fact that it will not save the life of one child.  Parents who kill their children are almost always known to authorities - social welfare, family services, police, criminal justice and mental health for years but social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors and nurses working on the Recovery Model only look for positive signs rather than danger signs. 99.99999% of parents would lay their lives down for their children. Mothers are the most powerful and important group of voters in society.  Any government that attacks and undermines the standing and authority of mothers is in self-destruct mode. Fanita Clark  CEO - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ THANK YOU SPECIAL THANK YOU We sincerely thank “Australian Air Express” for their very kind support in assisting us with the handling of transportation free of charge, 1 ton of white plastic so we can use to re-make our white wreaths that we lost due to fire in September 2007. Fresh & Green Pty Ltd Sydney NSW who manufactures plastic bags donated the plastic and Australian Air Express arranged pick up from Sydney and the delivery to us in Brisbane. Australian Air Express has supported us regularly and we are truly grateful as without this kind of assistance it would be very difficult for us. We would also like to thank the students of Graceville State School Qld who are making the white wreaths in preparation for National White Wreath Day – In Remembrance of All Victims of Suicide held on the 29 May - Top GUESTBOOK 14 July 2007 Melbourne Vic. Keep up the good work. 17 July 2007 Unknown. In Loving Memory Paul 29 October 2006 20 July 2007 Mt Gambier SA I lost my mum this year to suicide just wanted her to be remembered as a loving mother who lost her fight with the darkness of depression. She will be missed. Just wished I had the chance to say that to her. Xx 25 August 2007 South Australia.  On February 2007 I lost my beautiful, smart sister…she took her own life.  That morning she had sent me a text, made plans to see me the following Thursday…I sent a text back.  Later that morning she overdosed, lay on her bed and waited to die.  This was her second try, the first time I found her…I wish I had phoned her back, spoken to her.  It’s just passed the 6 month anniversary….we finally got to do her ashes last week.  I hate the emotional roller coaster, I hate the way the memories just come up and the pain is just as intense.  Anyway his is my first visit here. 27 August 2007 Newcastle, NSW.  It has been just over six months since I lost my eighteen old eldest son to suicide.  I am struggling big time at the moment just with trying to learn to get through every day without him.  Matt was the last person anyone would have expected to do this as had such a vitality for life.  You would hear his big laugh before you would even see him.  He was loved by myself and his dad and his four little brothers and he knew this.  He had the best friends and they all cherished his friendship.  He called everybody ‘bro’ and he was considered ‘brother’ to his mates as well as his brothers.  He lost what he thought was the love of his life and this destroyed him.  My boy was such a happy soul and everyone who knew him loved him.  I know that he is with us all the time and have to hang on to that thought as it is unbearable to think anything else.  I don’t know how but we are just managing to get out of bed everyday and we are trying to live our lives without him being physically with us in body.  We all miss him so much.  Thank you for this website so that I can share my thoughts and help me get through yet another day without my baby.  For those contemplating committing suicide, things can only get better and you are not just hurting yourself, but your family and friends will be absolutely devastated if you go along this road.  Just think of the pain that you are leaving all those who love you.  I can tell you from experience that there is nothing in this world that is more painful than losing your child that you created.  Please think very strongly and seek help if you have these thoughts.  You have so much to live for if you just look around and appreciate those who love and cherish you. 27 August 2007 Queensland.  Wow, it’s been a while since I visited this site.  I lost my partner on Christmas Day 2000, he was 36 years old.  It is great to see that this site is powering along, it is invaluable.  I am rejoining.  Great site and organisation.  I am in my last semester at Uni doing a Degree in Human Services and would love to do something in this area. 31 August 2007 NSW Daniel may you now rest. Loved by your precious son Jackson. A road too rough to follow, a hill too steep to climb 8 September 2007 NSW Daniel, my brother...a month has passed since you've been gone. Tears fall from my face, thinking of you. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me. YOU'RE YOU! That’s what I loved. I can’t even explain my emotions coming from this. Its hard knowing that ill never be able to see you or hug you again! It hurts! But you're in my heart and that’s all that matters...I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU! I LOVE YOU FOREVER! May you now rest. Lots of love...from your one and only sister, Chantelle xxx I MISS YOU DANIEL! 9 September 2007 NSW My son Daniel suicided August 2007. He was 34. He suffered this dreaded depression. His life was clouded with darkness for some time. He was an extremely bright and talented man and loved by so many. As I read through the entries in this guest book, one realises that this is the new age epidemic. So many sad and now depressed loved ones. Death is not what hurts us, it's that crazy thing that all of us call love. 9 September 2007 Concerned Citizen Australia Why do bodies in WA have the head and neck vessels removed or mutilated during autopsy?? This technique which is no longer deemed necessary by many coronial departments around the world adds distress to family members who wish to view prior to the funeral. Are families informed of these consequences when their permission to perform an autopsy is requested?? 13 September 2009 Temora NSW I guess suicide was Daniels new song, at least in his own way he can stand straight again, such a shame he gave up, so out of step with this world. I'm sure he'd be sorry if he could find the right words to say. In some ways I can understand what he did, or more so the feelings that can bring you to the edge of here and where you hope to be. Just numb, yet so hurt. Sometimes you think you would help your loved ones more by dying, it's hard to understand, I've felt this pain before, scary, and scared. Sorry you felt you had to go Daniel, love to you and those left behind, in all our eyes you never failed. 13 September 2007 NSW I have written to this site just recently talking about my son who committed suicide in February. Well it is seven months tomorrow and we are all still struggling with it. Tonight we found out that Matt's mate, and our next door neighbour Scott who has just turned 21 took his own life this afternoon. Everyone is just so devastated that this could happen again to one of our own. These kids do not realise the effect that their passing has on not only their own family but for those who love him, his friends and entire family. Scott, I hope you will find some peace now and you and Matt can now be brothers forever. I know that you will both look out for one another on the other side. Peace be with both of you. 15 September 2007 USA My grandmother attempted suicide a few months ago...thank god she was unsuccessful but unfortunately our friend Evan wasn’t so lucky. Since Granma attempted suicide on the anniversary of his mothers death, Evan took that as a sign and took his own life in a very brutal, gruesome way. This sadness wont go away...mostly for my granma. She blames herself. 18 September 2007 NSW Daniel not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I see your brother struggling with his grief and anger and hear your mother’s sadness and questioning. I see your son with a mobile phone that will never ring again so he can talk to his daddy again. I cannot begin to imagine a blackness so large it overcame you, a force so powerful it crushed your sprit, something so strong that you could not see past it. I cannot imagine how you felt, you had traveled to a place where most of us have never been a place where the love and hope could not get in. I read something yesterday that spoke to me and gave me a tiny glimpse of how your world may have been. For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me and that which I was afraid of is come into me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet yet trouble came 22 September 2003 Mt Gambier South Australia I Only learnt of the white wreath association and the remembrance day last year while trying to deal with the death of someone so close to me, without a doubt the day helped it was wonderful to be with so many to see that I'm not alone and that there is help for those left behind there is no doubt in my mind that there needs to more done to not only help those suffering with the thoughts of suicide but to help those who are left behind. Though in my mind only one thing will help and that's to take action early and stop the death before it happens. I'll become a Member of this association and I strongly encourage everyone else to do the same. - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ PETER NEAME RESEARCH OFFICER 18 July 2007 We congratulate the Daily Mercury for its excellent coverage of the terrible tragedy that has happened to the Schia and McGregor families.  We believe that the families concerns if they had been taken notice of would have prevented this mental health disaster. Mental health has become a death spiral because of :- 1)    Deinstitutationalisation, Care in the Community, combined with the Recovery Model.  Under this disastrous dogma everyone regardless of how suicidal, homicidal or seriously violent they are, must be cared for in the community.  In  verbal interviews health professionals only look for signs of "Recovery" ignoring totally all the warning signs that Andrew McGregor gave over seven years and twenty admissions. 2)    Total failure of Frontline Assessment. 3)    Total failure to listen to the concerns of the family.  By the time families plead for their son or daughter to be admitted to a Mental Health Facility the situation is very serious.  Failure to listen to the family frequently ends in death. 4)    The first duty of care of Mental Health Professionals is public safety, but Mental Health Professionals are not being held accountable when these things go wrong so they have been repeated daily for all of the last 35 years of Deinstitutionalisation. This is election year and we call upon John Howard, Kevin Rudd and Peter Beattie to go up to Mackay and talk to the Schia and McGregor families.  Both Labour and Coalition Governments know that the Care in the Community/Recovery model costs thousands of lives per year. These changes were put in place over the last 35 years on the advice of "Expert Mental Health Advisors" by both Labour and Coalition governments.  All medium and long term mental  health beds have been closed down from 32,000 in 1960 with a population of 10 Million to zero now with a population of 21 million.  Martin Bryant went to his first psychiatrist at age four years but was "cared for in the community", "recovered in the community" and when he shot 35 men, women and children John Howard blamed guns not the mental health system.  The Virginia Tech mass killer Seung-Hui Cho gave at least two years warning but was "cared for", "recovered" in the community leaving another 33 people dead. Mental Health Professionals must be held accountable.  It is far too easy to blame lack of staff, lack of resources, management, on and on ad nauseam - Andrew McGregor and his family tried to get help for seven years - gave seven years warning. Yours sincerely Fanita Clark CEO Peter Neame Research Officer Cc Prime Minister John Howard, Leader Opposition Kevin Rudd, Premier Qld Peter Beattie Peter Neame is Research and Publication Officer for White Wreath Action against Suicide and author of “Suicide and Mental Health in Australia and New Zealand”. - Top_________________________________________________________________________________ HELP US TO HELP YOU We have many people offering to help the White Wreath Association.  When we tell people we need work done they then fall by the wayside.  This is very disappointing and leaves a handful of people to carry on. Yes, we do have “White Wreath Day” and “Sock It To Suicide” but they once yearly.  Please, members, couldn’t you hold a small function to raise some money for us.  Here are a few ideas that might help you. Approach IGA, Coles, Woolworths or others to donate some cakes, biscuits, dips or whatever and hold a fun morning tea.  Maybe a money chain or a skipathon.  Cake stalls are a good way: have friends to cook or donate cakes, biscuits, etc.   Hold a raffle, have a movie night.  Maybe a mock Ball or something you could think up.  A Ballathon at a Bowling Alley.  Hold a school band competition where people donate to hear them play and donate the proceeds to White Wreath.  Maybe a disco or fancy dress dance and so the list can go on.  Some of you may have some wonderful ideas. Please remember it takes moniey to run an office, equipment, insurances, car etc; not to mention all the other bits and pieces plus repairs. If everyone did a little bit, it would help to make things easier, and to know others care would be a blessing.  We might even reach our goal quicker.  There is so much work that goes on behind the scene that we seem to forget about. I know we all live busy lives, but just once do a little thing to help us. We will be eternally grateful. Quote:  The Best Nation in the World is “Donation” and the Best City “Generosity”. Yours in caring and friendship Ruth Avenell Board Member White Wreath Association. - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ BELINDA'S STORY Belinda’s Journal Continued 26 August ’98 6 days clean!! Feel very alone and sad today. Last couple of days have bought back some memories of my past which I have spent a long time blocking out. I know I need to deal with these memories, but how? It’s a pretty scary thing to contemplate. Instead of doing the Jacaranda (drug @ alcohol unit) speciality groups I have been put into a Jasmine (psych unit) group. As the staff have determined that I have a long, painful past they feel that the Jacaranda group would be a bit much for me to handle. I tend to agree. They do a lot of talking about their past (growing up etc.) whereas Jasmine group does more general therapy about changing cognitive function. @ therefore behaviours. I will talk about my past with one on one psychologist rather than in a group full of strangers. Psychologist (Jenny) has agreed to let me go on w/end leave but needs to be Ok’d with my psychiatrist (Dr. M). Am trying not to build up my hopes too much in case he says ‘no’. Have got my fingers @ toes crossed however. Would be a great boost to my mood if I am allowed to have w/end leave. Really, really pissed off. Not allowed to go on w/end leave. Want to go back to Brizzie @ use. Want to kill myself. All irrational I know. Give a shit! Over it now. Spoke to Jenny (psych) @ have compromised to have over-night leave. Tears have stopped. Thank God. Monday 31 August Went on w/end leave – excellent. Saw Steve @ had a great night together. He was late, as usual, was supposed to come down in morning but didn’t get down till 8.30 at night. Was very pissed off at first but got over it pretty quickly. He used on Friday night so that made me a bit sad but he was very proud of me for being clean for so long. Am still having ‘thoughts’ enter my head saying that they (it) is my guardian angel but thoughts seem to mostly be positive in nature. They say not to go back to drugs @ that they are proud of me etc. Not sure what to believe. When I am alone @ sad the ‘thoughts’ cheer me up but make me think I’m still a crazy lunatic. Hopefully these ‘thoughts’ will stop one day so I can remain in the real world all the time. I ‘shared’ at the N/A meeting last night. Topic was about 2nd step – Spirituality. I spoke for quite a while about my psychosis and about how I was now 11 (12 now) days clean. Felt like I was close to tears most of the way through it but coped rather well I think. TO BE CONTINUED - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ SISTER'S STORY On the 17 June 1986, I lost my brother Graham to suicide as he shot himself, and the pain the hurt I carry will always be there, as I loved and will always love and miss him dearly. It has been 21 years of tears and pain that has always remained, it feels like that it was yesterday.  It should not have happened and I am so angry and hurt.  I write poems for my darling brother, Graham, and it comes from my heart. When I lost my brother a part of me went with him and I have tried to take my own life too as I had no one to talk to about it as I was asking why he had to go away but got no answer.  But I know he is with me always and forever.  I have tried to take my own life several times but was talked out of it, and now I know my brother wants me to be strong for our mum as he was the most strong, loved man you could ever meet.  As my brother once said to me when we were kids, you can be strong and love ya Sissy, always be happy and tell your family you love them.  He would always smile and always loved life and family.  There is a lot of pain inside of me and so very angry and this will last a life time.  The pain will always remain.  All I say now is Dear Humble I will always love and miss you forever. Love always your sister - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ WISH LIST “DONATIONS TAX DEDUCTIBLE” Stamps, Copy Paper, DL Envelopes, Volunteers Aust/Wide OR YOU MAY LIKE TO DONATE 1. Via our credit card facility posted on our Website www.whitewreath.com then follow the instructions. 2. Directly/Direct Transfer into any Westpac Bank Account Name White Wreath Association Ltd BSB No 034-109 Account No 210509 3. Cheque/Money Order to White Wreath Association Ltd PO Box 1078 , Browns Plains Qld 4118 WE ARE NOW TAX DEDUCTIBLE - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ FUNDRAISING TRIVIA NIGHT HOBART TASMANIA After loosing a close friend of mine to suicide in late 2005, I was interested to become actively involved in an organization that was passionate about making a difference and helping the wider community.  By chance I stumbled across the White Wreath Association Ltd and have since become the Hobart, Tasmanian Representative for the White Wreath Association Ltd. After organizing a concert in 2006 to promote the association and their hard work, and witnessing first hand the immense support received by the greater Tasmanian community, I went on to organize a Trivia Night in August of this year.  Again, the support from community, government and local businesses was overwhelming and we were able to raise over $3,000 for the association to assist them with the great work they do.  With the overall success of the night, the White Wreath Association Ltd – Action Against Suicide Trivia Night will become an annual event in Hobart, continuing to promote the great work of this admirable association. I am extremely proud to represent such a passionate, hard working and supportive association and hope that through my actions here in Tasmania raise the awareness and much needed funds that the White Wreath Association Ltd deserve and strive for. Melissa - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ CAMERON'S DIARY We, the White Wreath Association, have been given permission by Cameron’s sister to publish his diaries. It is just over 10 months since Cameron age 42 took an overdose of prescribed medication then gassed himself as the result of bi-polar disease.  Sometimes it feels as if it were just yesterday that we lost him.  Sometimes we can’t even seem to come terms with his death and that our feelings of sadness will last forever.  Our hearts are broken and we will never be the same again.   But on the other hand our love for him grows stronger every day and we know that we will never forget him.  We strive to remember the good times as well as the bad times.  We hope that through the White Wreath newsletter it will help others understand the struggle for Cameron and for us as his family. Excerpts from his diaries which will be published in future issues of our newsletter. From his sister. Friday Jan 28 Well where do I begin!  The paranoia is back and it’s nearly unbearable!  I’m at work and I think everyone is against me!  I think everyone is talking about me!  I feel like just running away and hiding!  It gets close to breaking point!  I hate it! What’s wrong with me!  I hope tomorrow is not going to be the same.  I pray to god that it won’t be!  I bet it will be though! Wednesday March 1 Talk to Shane Ryder about starting Friday maybe.  See what happens! 2006 Friday Jan 20 What is wrong with me!  I am going crazy again!  I can’t control it!  It just sneaks up on me and bang the demons are back!  What can I do about it.  I pray every day that it won’t happen! What is causing this fucken shit!  Am I being punished for everything bad I have done!  I wish I had a gun I would put a bullet in my head straight up!  I know I am schitzo but I don’t know what to do about it!  It just gets worse as I get older!  I know I am being punished!  I hate this life!  I wish I was dead.  I will be one day soon I know!  It will be such a relief to not be here!  What can I do.  Today the demons were with me.  I wish people knew how bad it is when this shit happens.  No-one give a fuck!  They all just laugh and run me down!  I need some peace!  Why have I been blessed with this bullshit!  I must be a really bad person!  I know I have done some bad things and I reckon this is my punishment!  But when will it end? Today was the worst I’ve had for a long time!  I should have seen it coming!  I’m going to save some money and get a gun and some bare essentials and go bush up north!  I’m going to put a bullet in my head and be done with it!  I can’t take days like today for much longer!  I wish I kept a record of my life over the last 10 years.  People have no pity for people with a mental illness!  I hope today hasn’t sapped what little confidence I have!  Please Lord help me or put me out of my misery!  This life can’t go on!  The world is against me in one way or another!  I don’t know why I am still around!  More days like today and I will succumb to the demons!  One way or another.  I know most people would think all this shit is just bullshit but I would like anyone to live life like mine mentally and cope with it!  It’s so easy for people to laugh and put shit on people that have a mental problem!  I fucken hate this fucked up life!  How much punishment can I take, or is it how much punishment I deserve?  Please Lord can you put me out of my misery!?  I know people would be glad if I wasn’t around!  I feel a tiny bit relieved just writing this shit down!  When I’m gone everyone will see that I wasn’t really a bad horrible person but just a person with some bad problems that people just don’t understand!  I’m on the train to Caboolture now to see my probation officer!  I don’t want to hurt anybody else with or because of my fucked up head!  Revenge is not sweet!  I pray for tomorrow to be better!  Please Lord let tomorrow be a better day!? TO BE CONTINUED……. - Top _________________________________________________________________________________ MY STORY, MY LIFE How do I know where to begin? The call came through that day, a mother sobbing on the phone to report the death of her 18 year old daughter. My heart just broke for her, I was crying inside with each question she answered, but could find no words that would ever be enough to express my sorrow at her loss and her pain. I put down the phone and cried – yet she was a complete stranger. It was only later I learnt that her daughter had committed suicide, her parents had found her. That call broke my heart and I couldn’t get that young girl out of my mind for weeks – although I’d never met her. In the ensuing I was on the phone to every help line I could get hold of. All suicides affect me deeply, but something about her just ‘got’ to me. Maybe because I understood her pain, as I understand the pain of all suicide victims, because I’ve been there myself. I lived in that place of despair and desperation of wanting to die for many years, and I tried; My God I tried so many times to end my life – serious attempts, and during a really bad phase, it was my young daughter who was nine at the time who had to ring the Ambulance to get me to the hospital, and who would find me unconscious – repeatedly.  I was even in a relationship with a man for 2 years who had HIV, and I never used protection, because I hoped I’d contract the disease and die – I just didn’t want to live and thought if I contracted the disease, it would shorten my life and get me out of this hell called life. I was molested by a neighbour at 9, and my own brother at 13, and I was a lost soul, always looking for love. I had a father who adored me and a mother who I felt despised me. She loved me, but when I turned about nine, she cut off all feeling toward me – I never knew why, and as I grew into a teenager, she constantly compared me to other people and asked why didn’t I act and dress like them. I felt I was never good enough. It didn’t help my self esteem that I nearly died due to an illness at 12, and was left with horrific scars all over my stomach, so I felt flawed inside and out. I started drinking at 13, and discovered boys very young and did a lot of things that I regret, but I so desperately wanted to be loved. My dad died when I was 16, and my mum blamed me – she used to say that it was because I worried him so much that he died – He died because his lungs collapsed, but when your 16 – hearing those words breaks your heart. That was about the time I first started having my depressive bouts, and went to doctors and would be put on anti depressants and they have been a part of my life, off and on, since. My life had been so ‘abnormal’ from the time I was a young child –  I came from a European family – which made me “feel’ different, I always felt like a misfit like I didn’t ‘belong’ anywhere, like I was adopted,  and I was so extremely sensitive and desperate to please. I remember being 16, and thinking ‘I’m too weak for this world; it’s too evil, how will I ever survive it?’- I just didn’t think I could cope, even back then. And I had my first taste of alcohol at around 8, and I remember feeling really alive and happy, for the first time. I got myself in all sorts of trouble with men, always seemed to pick the ones that were abusive or violent, I couldn’t understand it at the time, but now after years of therapy I have learnt those sort of men can sense your vulnerability, and I was so very vulnerable.  One time, during one of my worst relationships, I attempted suicide by taking 200 or so anti depressants I had been prescribed, and the lovely chap I was with left me on the floor where he found me unconscious; mind you – he had sex with me while I was unconscious, but he didn’t bother getting help for me or picking me up off the floor. He was in the army, and didn’t want it on his record, that his Fiancé had tried to commit suicide.  I was unconscious for 3 days and couldn’t talk properly for a week, as I was slurring so badly from all the drugs in my system. I remember feeling terrified that I’d permanently damaged my speech, and would talk like that for the rest of my life. In my late 30’s, I got the idea that I needed to drink more, and by 39, I had became a full blown Alcoholic, who drank 24/7 – this was whilst raising a daughter on my own. I’d take her to school drunk, I’d pass out while she was at school and drink myself silly once I got her to bed – which I couldn’t wait to do so I could really get into the drink, pass out again, wake up through the night, have another binge, and on and on it went day after day, year after year. All the time I was off and on anti depressants; prozac, Zoloft, prothaiden – too many to remember. My story, my life Continued….. I’d try to stop drinking, but I couldn’t – not even for a day. Then I started to think I was better off dead, and so would everyone else be. So for months and months I took countless cocktails of pills 200, 500 – whatever I could get my hands on and that I had in the house. I lost count of how many times I was in the psychiatric ward after having my stomach pumped and being put in there till I was ‘safe’ to come home. I saw Psychiatrists, Phycologists, drug and alcohol councilors and on and on it went. But I just couldn’t get over the sense of helplessness and despair I felt. I just carried so much shame and guilt about my life and the things I had done. Although I’m sober now my life was chaos for many decades, and the depression and self loathing and shame and guilt and hurt I caused others – and myself, was too much of a burden to bear. In hindsight, I realise I had never learnt to deal with any emotion without alcohol to help me get through it – especially all the pain in my life and the sensitiveness of my character. Eventually, I met one too many bad men and got myself and my daughter into a lot of trouble. I moved in with him and he was an alcoholic too and boy, did my daughter and my life go to hell, she witnessed the alcohol infuelled fights, the craziness of two alcoholics living together. In the end I was so broke, I was drinking vanilla essence to get drunk, and I even tried metho, but I just couldn’t bear the taste and smell.  Eventually for her own good, I put her into temporary foster care, with the hope of getting sober but again I failed But eventually, I got sober long enough to get her back – maybe a 5 week stretch of sobriety.   Then a miracle happened; yet another councilor I was seeing (and I saw many throughout my life), stepped in and gave us the opportunity to get away from this man, and we were placed in a women’s refuge – I was broke and bankrupt and had very little possessions by then. Drinking wasn’t allowed at the Refuge but still I couldn’t stop at first, but a pinhole of hope gleamed through the darkness of my despair, and slowly our lives changed, and I stopped drinking. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done – dealing with a lifetime of suppressed emotions and living life without a crutch such as alcohol. I could never have coped without the help of an amazing councilor, who taught me how to live in this sometimes terribly painful world, and she taught me coping mechanisms and ways to deal with emotion.  But the hardest part was really feeling for the first time in my life, the disappointments, the hurts, the shame, the fear – almost every emotion. I literally had to reprogram my brain and the way I thought for the whole of my life. It took 3 years of intense therapy, and I’m still terribly sensitive and still can get depressed at the drop of a hat – one thing goes wrong and the worlds coming to an end! Everything’s catastrophic. With the help of a 12 step programme, I’m sober – have been for 4 years, and that has been another saving grace for me, but again was one of the most difficult things I have done.  But life today is so precious, and so full of hope. I wish I could say that I don’t find the world a harsh cruel place at times, but I’ve learnt ways to cope, have a gentle man in my life, and live a comparatively ‘normal life’. Over the past four years, there have been bouts of depression, and moments when I feel like ending it all – but they’re fleeting thoughts!  I’m careful of the warning signs now and when I know the world is getting too much for me to bear and I can’t cope – I see my local doctor and firstly get medication before I hit rock bottom, and secondly I talk, talk, talk - to people who can help me get through it – councilors, help lines, friends - I don’t isolate myself or my disease anymore. So, I guess why I am so affected by every suicide I hear about and see – and I mean literally see, because I work for a funeral Home,  I’m deeply affected because I wouldn’t be here telling you this if I had of been successful in my attempts. And because my heart is filled with sadness for the anguish, pain and desperation people feel when they are suicidal and take their own life. And maybe my story may let someone see that little pinhole of light through the darkness of their despair like I did, and make it through. Every time I take a call that’s a suicide, I grieve for the loss of such a precious life because I know you can work through it. And I grieve for those left behind, and all I can do is pray, because I never seem able to find the right words to express my sorrow for their loss. And I pray at night that God holds you in the palm of his hands, until you’re strong enough to carry yourself through the darkest hours, days and months ahead. Posie - Top