Belinda’s Journal Continued
2/9/98
Nothing much new happened today. ‘Groups’ are still full on all day – at least we’re kept busy which leaves less time to sit around and think about using. A new girl arrived yesterday and I spoke to her tonight and she kept saying she just wants to go and get on. She’s coming off heroin. Made the old thoughts of using come back, but new thoughts of not want to be like her surprised me. Feeling stronger within myself – happy to be clean. Am now 54 kg – 9 kgs more than I was when I got admitted into Belmont. Should cut down on the food intake a bit I think, my jeans are getting really tight.
3/9/98
They cut out my tds dose of 0.5mg Valium and 25mg Largactil today @ last night so today I am feeling much more awake, alert and aware. I have therefore been able to complete my Step 1 (from 12 Step program) booklet. I have also gotten a fair way through my Autobiography that I have to do. Am worried that I might be pregnant. Have been worried for about 1 week but am getting a test from the pharmacy today to check. Hope like hell that I’m not but my tits are getting bigger @ my belly is swelling like they did in February when I had a termination. Not good signs.
4/9/98 1245 hrs. 2 weeks clean today! AGAIN! Feeling really positive about my recovery today. Revisited Step 1 with RN Helen last night, even shed a few tears in the process. She said a wonderful thing to me which I will always remember, that she felt honoured to be in my presence while I was shedding those tears as she knew that I must have had trust in her as she also knew I didn’t do that very often. More good news, I’m not pregnant! Did a home pregnancy test last night @ came back negative. Feeling thinner already. Feel very released about completing Step 1 @ am moving onto Step 2 with a vengeance. Must go for relaxation group now to clear out some of the old cobwebs.
1732 hrs. Well today have been completely free of those Angel/Demon ‘thoughts’ entering my mind. A couple of days ago I asked these ‘voices’ to please stop annoying me and they seem to have taken heed to my request. Been for 2 days without any of these ‘thoughts’ entering my mind. Feeling very relieved about this. My excellent dad sent down a photo of my beautiful puppy dog Remi and a ‘Thinking of You” card which read as if it was from her – how cute. I’ve blue-tacked this photo along with a card I got from Angie @ a card from mum on my wall with a picture that was drawn by a previous client of here named Andy. The picture was done in Art therapy group where we picked another person’s name out of a hat @ had to draw a picture of something that we thought represented them. He drew wonderfully coloured picture of an eye. Not sure what this means but seems to have a lot of effort put into it so am leased about that. My wall, at least, is no longer bare.
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TO BE CONTINUED
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A LOT OF REGRETS
Hi my name is Marcelle. I lost my son Daniel 20 to suicide October 19 2006. He hanged himself. Daniel wanted to help others to understand how drugs affected him and made him feel. This is his story. I would love to share it with others.
www.daniel-coorey.memory-of.com/
I gotta lot of regrets with just life in general and if I could go back and change things, id change a few but if I had the choice to be anyone else in the world, rich or famous or be me, I'd be me cause I got a great family, great mates, a good job now and my plan with this book is to help kids not to make the same mistakes me and my friends or now enemies made.
See when you get into drugs you don’t even realize it slowly changes the person. I know because it happened to me and a lot of other people. People start to steal to get it, friends aren't friends for long. They lie and try to deceive you, steal from you and these are the people that you think are really nice and go on holidays with, even hang out with them and work together and then they rip you off. You live and learn but its best not to do drugs in the first place and avoid it all.
Life's just so much clearer, the quality of your life is just so much better, you don't get into trouble with police much unless ur a violent drunk .
After starting drugs I got expelled from Warwick High School. I started a tafe course in Information Technology and I was doing certificate 2 and I was a really good student in class and I wanted to get a job in IT. The first module was operating a general computer. I blitzed it. I was really smart but as I was smoking I couldn't perform to the best of my ability or know what my full potential could be if I was drug free at the age of 15, but I wasn't as a teen. You don’t even realize what its doing to you and some people never do and its sad what drugs do to people and that’s what kids don't realize all these people on drugs used to be kids once, they played with toys just like me and just like your kids and I just want to get across to them and you that kids grow to be adults, and parents cant watch them all the time. Kids will always have their free will, that’s the greatest thing about this world.
After I hit the adult world I changed and made a lot of bad decisions with drugs and life in itself and you or your children never realize these things until you go down that track and if someone does it may be too late so if we do anything at all to kids the best possible thing to do is educate our kids on what they are actually getting themselves into when they take this road. Well I've been down it and it's f.......d, friends soon turn against you they steal off you and if you fall down far enough down this endless well you may find that indeed you may turn into one of these scumbags, but the worst thing is you, yourself don’t realize this is happening to you. Instead of you using the drug it's really using you and I don't hate these scumbags. I infact feel really sorry for them, because once upon a time they were innocent kids, who had hopes and dreams and now all they got to look forward to is a life of money troubles, friends deserting them, job losses, jail and a life of misery and unhappiness. You wouldn't want to wish that upon anyone, even if they did pick on you your whole life and unfortunately I've seen it happen to so many people that who were great mates and now they have nothing.
It’s sad, it really is. As a kid I’ll admit I don’t think this stuff even happened at all. It's like a horror movie that's real and it plays for life - your life, but at the time you only think I'm getting high having a good time with mates and it's so much fun but you don't see what happens long term, and if you do you really just don't care but by then the drug has consumed you......
But back to what drugs did to me from the age of 15-17 when I was supposed to be learning but when a young mind is taking in so much of the drug you cant learn, you forget, get easily distracted, lose track of what your doing and after a while you just really don't care. I was a bright kid to, I had only been smoking for not even a year full time and my interest in everything I loved disappeared. By doing these things all my hopes and dreams just dripped down the drain. If it happened to me it could happen to anyone.
But I didn't care. I didn't wanndo it and all I ended up doing was smoking heaps of pot. And it did it to me. It turned me into something I wasn't, it had taken over me and I still didn't even see it and it was right in front of my eyes. Looking back it was unbelievable that something as simple as weed could do this to me but it was. I thought I was six feet tall and bullet proof. It was taking my dreams and hopes away in front of me and I just didn't care.
So after I left my tafe IT course I enrolled at Assumption College, it was a pretty good school and I even got off drugs for a while when I was at school I started excelling at IT once again. I was one of the top students and in IPT I even made a programme for an ATM. I even got set up with job working for the council at the age of 16, and the job involved networking the council’s computers, and the pay was absolutely brilliant. But for some reason I started getting stoned at school. We had assignments due and id wait till they were just about due. I copied the assignments off people. Well I kept getting stoned and
the job opportunity of a lifetime left, the last plane had gone and I missed it.......I'll never get another opportunity like that in my whole life. My grades started to drop in all my subjects, I started to develop schizophrenia and I started to hear voices in my head. I didn't understand what they were. It first started when I was at Warwick High I was sitting at the table with my mates and these things started falling in front of my eyes. They were like little see through spirals and hairs. (No one else could see them though) I just ignored them though, but if I knew then what I know now I would have stopped the weed instantly because little did I know I was about to embark on a journey through insanity. So it began I was smoking weed before school behind a building through a pipe. That’s how it started every day before school.
I got smashed as but then in classes, instead of doing the work I'd just chill and have fun in art. I'd draw scare crows with signs saying' "No Feeding birds" and I’d just draw crazy stuff. My marks went from A's to C's then to failing but I was so smashed I just didn't care, I just kept doodling away and that was just in art. In my other subjects they went down too. I was having trouble concentrating; I didn't want to work any more. I just stopped doing my homework and that drove my grades into the ground. But I didn't even notice. See the drug was now using me instead of me using it, but I wasn't even using any bad drugs, it was just weed right? Wrong look what it was doing to me and I didn't even notice or even care. Just imagine if I was using heavy drugs.
I believe if you just have to try drugs do it after you graduate or better yet don't do them at all.....They change who you are and for the worse. I went from A's and B's to D's and E's and then I didn't even graduate. I left school to go smoke pot with my friends, so I did 2 whole years of school, started grade 12 and then left about a month into it and never went back. How sad was I, and I so wished I did cause if I did, it would of opened up so many more opportunities, and if I never started weed while at school it would of opened up even more good job skills, big money. It’s so hard to find a job and when you finally do, its got shit pay, and worse hours.
I believe if I had never started drugs while at school I Just would have gone so further and would have fulfilled all my hopes and dreams.
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WISH LIST
“DONATIONS TAX DEDUCTIBLE”
Stamps, Copy Paper, DL Envelopes, Volunteers Aust/Wide
OR YOU MAY LIKE TO DONATE
1. Via our credit card facility posted on our Website www.whitewreath.com then follow the instructions.
2. Directly/Direct Transfer into any Westpac Bank
Account Name White Wreath Association Ltd
BSB No 034-109 Account No 210509
3. Cheque/Money Order to White Wreath Association Ltd
PO Box 1078 , Browns Plains Qld 4118
WE ARE NOW TAX DEDUCTIBLE
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CAMERON'S DIARY
We, the White Wreath Association, have been given permission by Cameron’s sister to publish his diaries.
Friday night (unknown date)
Well here I am Friday night and having a grog! Got the guilts about the usual shit! Listening to anything! Work tomorrow! Can’t sleep! Led Zepellin on now! Went to Shona’s for a while earlier then home. Had a belt this arvo! No good! The piece of shit got me for another 100! Every dog has it’s day. You know the story! What is it with these cunts? They think a bloke is a fucken idiot! KARMA! I must be a glutton for punishment! Work tomorrow! I hate it already! Same old cycle! I wish I could break it! I hate this place! I miss my kids badly! Nothing I can do about it! My punishment isn’t up yet! Just rang Terry the germ! What a wasted fuck that cunt is! Tony must pay! All these cunts are plastic gangsters! What do you do? Something has got to give! And it fucken will! Got to thing positive like Browny used to and work it out! These cunts think I’m a fucken idiot! When it all boils down I am for dealing with the fuckwits! It’s on again! Who’s the fuckwit? Just talked to Terry the kid fucker! Just heard from Tony the germ! I have only got myself to blame! Both cunts laugh, and I fucken hate it! I remember Sammy, it was all good always! I just text Tony he must be laughing his fucken head off! I will get this cunt in the end! I don’t believe I’m doing this shit again! I did so well without it! I’ve got to snap out of it! I wish I was still with Browny. None of this shit would be going down! No answer yet! This has got to be the last week with this shit! Something has to give and it usually does! This should be the last time this shit goes down! I have go get on top of this and nip it in the bud! This shit would not …
No date (Cam has left Caboolture and is living with Mum at Forrest Beach)
Well here I am sitting on the back veranda going fucken crazy! What R my kids doing? Do they give a fuck at all about me? No! I am a hindrance to their lives. Their fucken mother has made the situation just as she wants it. I don’t know what’s going to go on. I’m getting really fucked up over all this shit! Something has to give! I don’t know how to cope with this shit any more!
Saturday May 6
Got up at 7am pains in the stomach from indigestion or heartburn. Feeling a bit nervy and anxiety. Mum’s doing her course. Cleaned the house out. Read the papers. Heaps in the mining sector but not for drilling offsiders. I’m going to keep trying. Text Mitchell, he is playing Bohle at 11.30. They should win. Might do some weights today. Done some weights. I’ve got that pain in my chest as it something is caught in my guts. Also a mild head-ache. I had a quick ease but it hasn’t done anything. Finished my book! Fuck I wish this pain would stop.
Sunday May 7
Read my book most of the day. Not a good book very depressing. Mum was at her course till 3.30. We went for a long walk on the beach. I can remember dreaming about jail! I hope it doesn’t happen! Text Mitchell heaps and him to me. Spoke to Bob Smith about reference. Still got to talk to Mark Stevens. I hope he’s OK with it. I even spoke to Jaki about getting Mitchell a bird. Argued a fair bit last nite about stuff with Jaki. I’ve got to try and stay level with her for the kid’s sake. Also we are tying to get a tutor for maths for Mitchell.
TO BE CONTINUED…….
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COMING EVENTS
1. NATIONAL WHITE WREATH DAY
- In rememberance of all of Suicide 29 May 2008
Main display to be held in Post Office Square Brisbane Qld.
Display can be viewed all day with Commemoration Service commencing at 12.30pm
Up to date information will be posted on our website www.whitewreath.com under “Coming Events” listing all other Commemoration/Remembrance Services held across Australia. Suicide/mental illness affects all walks of life, all cultures and all ages regardless of whether we are rich, famous or poor. All are welcomed to attend and lay a Photograph, Flowers, Poem etc and be part of a commemoration service that for most is the first time that they are able to freely admit the loss of a loved one, friend, work colleague etc that have taken their lives by these tragic means.
2. SOCK IT TO SUICIDE
During the First Week of October 2nd – 6th 2007
Holding the event involves workplaces, schools, social clubs, senior citizen clubs etc to wear (self supplied) coloured socks or stockings during one day of the week, and making a donation of a gold coin for the privilege.
We would greatly appreciate your support with this endeavour and hope it is a fun day for all.
Enamel sock pins (1inch diameter) are now available for $3 each. If you wish to order or buy please contact head office or vist our website (Donate/Shop Page) to place your order.
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CORRESPONDENCE
I've been having a hard time sleeping. Everytime I close my eyes, I see my friend on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Two weeks ago, my friend Jay tried to commit suicide. I found him, and saved his life, now mine isn't the same. I live in Clearwater Florida, I found your site on Google, and was unable to find a resource more local to me that might be able to help me with this, I run a small computer service center, and my best friend is/was one of my employees. He's blamed me and my mother for all his misery. I was working with a client remotely on my system, he was behind me, at his desk, working on websites I thought. He mentioned he’s being in the bathroom for a while. Shortly after, I get an email, from him. Saying all sorts of horrible things. I run to the bathroom, and there he is, passed out on the floor knife in hand, throat slit. I ran to call for help. They were there in a minute thirty seconds. He survived, he nicked his carotid artery. I'm having trouble dealing with all of this. I've gone almost 30 years not experiencing this. I have feelings of hate which I've never had before. I haven't spoken to him in fear of me loosing it and yelling at him, or getting into a physical confrontation with him. I sent him an email. Not sure if he had received it. This is my second week of not sleeping. I lay in my bed, mind racing. If you could point me in any particular direction for help I'd greatly appreciate it.
- E C
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Hi Fanita,
I just wanted to say thank you for having the courage, determination and love to make White Wreath it is a very inspiring and helpful site for those in need.
Another reason that I wanted to email you was to ask your permission if it is ok if I refer some of my clients to your website and services and if I can put your website link on my links page of my website. I know it probably sounds weird and strange to you but I am a professional psychic medium, over the past 12 years in my work I deal with clients everyday who have lost loved ones, recently a large number of my clients have loved ones who have passed from suicide so I am trying to find a resource that I can give to them to help them through their grief. I can communicate with their passed loved ones, but it is only a small part of their journey they need help with counseling and to be around like minded people.
I totally understand if you don’t want me to mention your site and services, everyone has their own beliefs.
Many blessings to you and thank you once again for all that you do in the community,
J***
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Hi Fanita.
My name is Heather and I reside in Central Queensland. I am writing a poetry book called "Buried by the Spade - Effects of Suicide" and whilst taking a break from it, decided to do some net surfing and found your website. It is a total credit to you and I for one will be paying my $25 next pay day.
Your website inspired me to write a poem about your White Wreath Day. If you would like to see it I can send it to you. With your permission I'd like to also add it to the poetry in the anthology "Buried by the Spade".
Once again, thank you for sharing such an important website with all Australians. It is definitely needed.
Yours in surviving,
H******
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I need help.
I know this might seem crazy e-mailing you people, and given the time of year nobody is likely to be looking at it.
I'm 33, I really want to end it all NOW, but your website is making me realise how it will have a very serious affect on my family and my poor mother is nearly 70 - how can I do this to her? But I am incredibly lonely and feel so awful all the time how can I go on? I am in such a terrible terrible mess.
I can't believe I am at work today, I feel so bad.
I have a gambling and a drinking problem, I thought I could improve but things have just gotten worse and worse and have racked up big debts and become an alcoholic. I am so ashamed and embarrassed ending it seems like the only way out for me. I don't even have any money for a week and have to come up with 'creative' ways of getting public transport to work. I won't even be able to hardly eat this week due to my crazy gambling.
I can't ask for more help. I borrowed $1,250 off friends, but that is gone (I have paid back some) but how can I look them in the eye and say sorry I gambled it away, I need longer to pay it back? I borrowed $500 of my mother and paid it back. At least having no money will stop me drinking for a little while.
I have 10 siblings, but none of them live in Melbourne nor does my mother.
I am gay and I hate that too, although I had a beautiful boyfriends for 3 years but I destroyed that relationship a few years ago, I miss him so much. Now I live by myself in misery in the middle-outer suburbs and have no visitors.
I use to not drink at all, and gambled only very moderately, so what happened to me? I had a good life (even though I had terrible black mark of being gay) - I had a good job, was in a 'glamorous' relationship, had lots of friends and was the 'life of the party'.
My father died in shocking circumstances in 2000 (burnt to death) but everybody else seemed to get over it, but I drank - and destroyed a beautiful relationship and then when I started living alone there was nobody to monitor my behaviour and I just became more and more irresponsible to get away from my loneliness and tortured myself about how much pain I'd caused my ex-boyfriend and vowed never to subject anyone to having a relationship with me ever again.
I could ramble on all day. On the $ side of things I could ask my family for help to take some pressure off me, but the humiliation and shame about how irresponsible I have been. Should I tell my mother about this? I couldn't ring her I would have to write. How can her son have gotten to this dreadful situation. I hope she would prefer to 'bail me out' rather than have to identify my body and clean up what I've left behind. But how could she trust me?
I am sick and I have nobody.
I am so sorry to write this to you, but I am close to ending it and you were my last resort.
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